Thoughts of a Madman

last day (may)

2007-05-31T23:56:50Z

May, eh?

Maybe I can make things really work for me from now on. Probably not though.

May I begin again? It's May again. I remember Megan.

Maybe I'll just go to Macy's. Do they sell mace? It's amazing if they do.

last day (maryland)

2007-05-14T06:24:30Z

...and not a minute too soon!

Anyway, it's pretty exciting--I'm moving back "home" to Portland. This should be fun.

I'd write more about it, but we gotta pack up the computer, so I guess that's all I have time to say. I'll be sure to post an entry once we get to Dallas before I fly off to Oregon.

last day (april)

2007-05-01T04:29:43Z

As a general rule, I hate April.

420

2007-04-20T15:03:26Z

forty-two zero

420

2007-04-20T15:02:03Z

four-twenty

the man without a best friend

2007-04-10T16:00:31Z

words can't describe how i'm feeling right now. but i guess i've got to try nonetheless. that's what we writers do; whether we're writing or not, we're always trying to find a way of putting thoughts, feelings and emotions into words that can be defined and understood by others. but nothing is ever that simple, right? how can anyone else possibly read these words and completely understand the meaning behind them? it's impossible. some thoughts can't be put into words. some feelings can't be defined. some emotions can't be described. you have to experience them to even come close. and let me tell you, even experience doesn't come close to fully understanding. i don't understand how i'm feeling, so what hope is there for anyone else's understanding?

SO i guess i'm feeling tired. like ready for the big sleep. or at least needing a break. needing a change in my life. i'm sick of being lied to by people who supposedly care about me. tired of being shut out and led on. i'm a man without a best friend and i guess that's how i'm always going to be.

oregon seems so far away, even though i'm closer to it now than i've been these last several months. i'll have $2000 when i get to portland so i should have enough money to live for a few weeks. i don't care about getting a great job. minimum wage is high enough that as long as i'm working i'll be fine. i'm excited to meet up with people from my past. my old friends. these are people that i haven't seen or talked to in many years. i'm sure they've changed, maybe for the better or worse. but one thing's for sure: i've changed. i'm not quite sure who i am anymore or what i want out of life. i'm hoping i'll figure that out once i get out there. it used to be enough just to live. that's not going to work for me much longer. i need a reason to go on, and i need to find it on my own.

obviously, i don't know what to expect when i get back to portland. it's been so long, i'm not sure i know those streets anymore. i won't have a car--how strange is that? i'll need to get one as soon as i can. i plan on visiting eugene as much as possible too. at least that place is still familiar to me. plus i know a couple people there that i'd be a little happy to see again. but in portland there is only fear. fear of everything being so different that i won't be able to recognize any of it. fear that the people there will be so different that i won't recognize them. or that they won't recognize me. fear that they won't give a damn. but i don't fear fear. it's the fear that makes me excited. truth is, if i knew what to expect, i probably wouldn't even try.

but the main thing on my mind is love. i'm tired of being alone. and while i have no doubt that i'll find enough friends to never be lonely again, i have every reason to believe that i'll always be alone. maybe it's me. maybe i'm not boyfriend material. maybe i'm trying too hard. or not hard enough. whatever it is, i need to find a special someone. someone who actually wants to come visit me; who wants to spend every minute with me for days at a time; who wants to sleep in my bed next to me. someone to hold and feel the love i know i'm capable of giving. someone to take care of. someone to take care of me. maybe i'm dreaming. perhaps none of this will ever happen to me. i mean i know i'm hoping for too much. it's not like i really expect anything to happen to me. ever. one thing i've learned: expectations bring about disappointment. and i've had my fair share of disappointments for one year.

so i'm sure anyone who reads this is able to understand the words i'm saying, and might be able to have a general idea of how i feel. but as i said, none of you can truly understand what i'm going through. nonetheless, comments are always welcome and appreciated...

dead man writing

2007-04-07T03:24:56Z

i hope my death was long and painful

and i hope i cursed you with my last loving breath

6 weeks?

2007-04-06T02:07:33Z

I'm thinking 6 weeks...

it's april, fools

2007-04-02T01:58:51Z

George W. Bush is a genius. It pains me to admit this. But he pulled one over on us all.

How? (you may ask)

Remember a few weeks ago when daylight savings came early? That had nothing to do with energy conservation. We used to change the clocks on the first Sunday of April. Well this year that happened to be April 1, April Fools' Day! So we all had to manually change our clocks a few weeks ago, and now we get to change the clocks that adjust for DST automatically again. Congratulations Mr. Bush, you fooled us all!

last day (march)

2007-04-01T04:45:13Z

My parents had a garage sale today. I helped them out with it. Most of their crap did not sell. I, however, sold some of my stuff and made over $100, largely due to my TV and electric guitar/amp. So that's a hundred bucks--more than I usually make in one day--that goes straight into the Return to Oregon Fund. I am very excited.

Also, I'm excited because I have a phone date tomorrow. I'm a little worried though, because the last time I had a date with this girl on April 1, she got called away and that date never happened. Hopefully things will go better this year.

I'm all a-twitter

2007-03-26T16:03:30Z

I'm on Twitter, yo. Now I have 3 blogs no one reads.

Why Twitter? Because I can make entries from my cell phone. I know, I know... if I upgrade to a paid account I can do that on LiveJournal. Well, I'm cheap and Twitter's free. So there.

It's only water

2007-03-16T18:28:20Z

It's been raining a lot here lately. It makes me think about Oregon and how I'll be back there in two short months.
The streets here were not made for rain. Less than an inch of rain somehow manages to flood the entire city. It's funny too, because the rain bothers everyone here. Everyone freaks out--they drive 5 MPH, then run from their car to their office building even though they have an umbrella. Like it's a plague of raining frogs or something.

not a thing

2007-03-15T15:58:01Z

I have nothing to say today

Don't do the Diet Dew

2007-03-14T19:17:19Z

There is no other carbonated beverage that has more of a difference between regular and diet than Mountain Dew. Probably because regular Mt. Dew is 100% sugar, and Diet Dew Mountain has 0 sugar. It may be better for you, but it tastes awful. Seriously, don't do the diet Dew.

maybe it was the pet name that finally made him see

2007-03-13T18:24:24Z

Looking back at all the pieces, it all makes perfect sense now. It really is amazing how hindsight can be so clear, even when your perception at the time was so foggy. It's painful because I could have had a shot at what I wanted the whole time. Unfortunately, it's too late to do anything about it now. At least for the time being.

So let's see, what can we learn here? Just about everything I'd say. There's not much else to know.

(Sorry this post is so vague. I'd go into details, but that will just make things worse. For me and for everyone involved.)

At the tone, the time will be... what the BEEEEP

2007-03-12T16:01:34Z

Spring forward. Right. It's not even spring yet. And nobody seems to know what time it is. Supposedly it's noon right now. Others say 11am. For some reason it's 1pm on the phone system. Damn George W. Bush.

organ-eyes

2007-03-09T19:51:19Z

Well, I updated my list of memorable LJ entries today, and it gave me an idea. In the next week or so, I'm going to create a table of contents (of sorts) with all the best entries from LJ and my blog on MySpace. That way, anyone who wants to can easily access the best of Noah, instead of having to sift through hundreds of pointless entries across 2 websites. I know enough HTML to set this up, but it will take a while because I'll have to go through all the old entries first to pick out the best ones. Also, as I stated in my other blog, I plan on putting some of my poems and short stories online as well.

Also, I finally added some user pics to my LJ account.

And, from here on out, I plan of having as many links as humanly possible.

oh sweet gummy bears

2007-03-08T16:28:38Z

why are you the only ones who can make me happy?

So who's writing my story?

2007-03-05T15:43:02Z

Fate has finally revealed itself to me. The universe wants me to be a writer.

It all started last Thursday, when my friend Megan and I started writing a story together. We've supported each other for quite some time as far as writing goes. We're each going to dedicate our first published works to each other. Anyway, this is our first actual collaboration.

So Friday night I'm watching Stranger Than Fiction with my parents. Definitely a good movie. And the writer in the movie reminded me of Megan. Well, the obsession over dying characters anyway. And the very second that the words "THE END" appear on the screen, Megan calls.

Now, some might write this off as a coincidence, because Megan does call me a lot. What makes this particular instance unusual is that she was calling me from work, which she rarely does, and she didn't really have anything to say either. She just called to say "hi". Of course, really she was compelled to call because it was fate telling us that we were meant to be writing partners.

So anyway, I'm a writer now. It's good to have some direction in life.

writing again

2007-03-02T15:13:07Z

Well it's good to be writing again. I mean really writing, not just making up stories. Any monkey can brainstorm ideas. But when it comes time to actually putting the pen to the paper, I haven't been able to get much done. Well, that's all about to change. Now I'm part of a writing team. My friend and I decided to write a story together. And we're not even going to worry about where the story is headed or anything like that. In other words: No brainstorming. Just writing words. We started it together, then I wrote a couple of pages on my own. Now she takes it from there and writes a few pages. And where ever the story goes, that's where it's headed. I think this will be good for both of us, since we're both really good at writing, but can never seem to get anything finished on our own. With this buddy system, we'll at least be guaranteed a finished product. I doubt it will be anything great, but it will be nice to have something complete. Maybe that's what we both need to help us finish our own shit.

march on

2007-03-01T15:23:29Z

"It's not much of a life, but at least I'm still alive"

...I've been telling myself this everyday for the last couple of months. Really, there were times in Louisville when I was about to kill myself. And I don't even know how I managed to survive my last couple years in Eugene. But something kept me alive, and I'm not sure what it is. It continues to keep me alive.

My life really sucks right now. I feel so alone. There's no one here to comfort me. And the nearest friend I have would never comfort me, at least not in a physical way. And even though I have my family here, I'll always have them. I need to be working on lasting relationships. But it's hard for me to be social here. There are too many people, I don't know where to start. The ethnic diversity is almost overwhelming (I'm not a racist, okay?) Everything is strange and unfamiliar. The economics of this state are outrageous. I need to get somewhere where I can have space to move around. Where the people are friendly but not intrusive. Where things are familiar and comfortable. Where I can actually have money to spare, instead of having to pick pennies off the street. ...I know where to go and I know how to get there. So what am I waiting for? Oh that's right, money. Damn taxes are eating me up.

envelope glue

2007-02-26T14:43:23Z

Envelope glue really doesn't taste so bad, once you get used to it.

...and the realization of this is quite depressing.

the week ends and begins anew

2007-02-26T14:15:29Z

Well, what an interesting weekend...

Friday was weird. During the day, I kept getting messages from a friend of mine. She was at work and she had so much caffeine that she thought she was going to die. But when I tried calling her after she got off work, she would barely even talk to me. Actually, she felt distant all weekend. I guess that's the way things are sometimes.

Saturday was pretty inactive. I spent half the day catching up on sleep, and the other half watching movies (which is very unusual for me). Actually, I watched a lot of movies this weekend. 7 movies in total. I'll talk about those in another entry. I also watched SNL with Rainn Wilson. Good stuff.

But Sunday was the strangest of all. I woke up burning under the covers. At first I thought the heat had been turned up too high (and indeed, it was a little high) but it was something like 50 degrees outside, with nearly half-a-foot of snow. Now, I'm aware that precipitation becomes snow at the higher altitudes, so snow can fall even if it's above freezing at the surface, but 5 inches? It was really weird because it was so warm. Other strange things were going on too: My parents were talking about Howliday Inn (random), Kyle called me out of the blue, my eBay auction went from having 0 bids to 2 buyers having a bidding war, and the Academy Awards pretty much sucked ass (actually, that's not too unusual, the Oscars are never really that good).

Anyway, now I'm sure this week will be so dreadfully dull. But at least it is quite beautiful outside now after the snow, with the white snow trees...

Casually, Friday

2007-02-23T21:19:58Z

Oh, another one of those entries... haha, Friday after-noon, I love it. I mean, it was only a 4-day week, but I'm spent. Less than an hour until the weekend starts.

Anyway, my office here observes "casual Friday", so I'm wearing my favorite shirt to work, instead of one of those drab, boring dress shirts. My favorite shirt makes me happy. Duh--that's why it's my favorite. Fridays make me happy, too. If I wasn't so tired, I'd be almost too happy.

stuff, things, etc.

2007-02-23T14:25:01Z

Well, yesterday was interesting. Nothing too exciting, but enough to keep me going for another day or so...

Work was unusually busy yesterday. It was a nice change of pace.

I was able to drive home in under 45 minutes... a new record. Call Guinness.

My friend called the very minute I arrived home. She was in a fight with her mom.

The Office was new last night. Pam finally got rid of Roy. Now if only she can find her way to Jim.

I "accidentally" talked with my sister last night, which was good. The universe works in mysterious ways.

The Barenaked Ladies are apparently still around. They were on The Late Show last night.

...like I said, nothing too exciting. But interesting nonetheless.